Doubt is Hard

I’ve been having a hard time with the whole faith thing recently. I can think of many reasons why this is the case. I haven’t been to church in three weeks, that’s pretty big. I haven’t been praying much or “getting into the Word” (I have to put that in quotations because that phrase is overused and I get cynical about those things). Part of it was reading the article about losing faith that I linked to earlier. That affected me more deeply than I originally thought. I’ve been doubting (ironic, I know, considering the name of the site) but not the way I wanted to.

I wanted to make the faith conversation intellectual by bringing “doubt” into it. Doubt sounds ok if you don’t think about what it really means. It sounds noble in quotes like “Faith without doubt is dead” but to really doubt, it’s actually not that much fun. It’s rough. It makes you question things you don’t really want to question. And when you doubt something as essential as your faith it really rocks the boat of your life.

I can write about it now because I see myself coming out of this. I’m starting to open up the conversation with God a little more now, and when you do that you’re bound to get a response. Is my faith stronger because I had this period of questions? Honestly, I don’t know. I want to say yes. What is most important right now is that my faith is still a part of my life. It still exists. Nothing like a little fire to test the faith right?

I think we owe it to God to seriously evaluate our faiths and really truly believe what we are professing. Are you tricking yourself? Are you afraid of doubting because you’re afraid of losing your faith? (Who isn’t?)

Really though, when you’re faith shapes and influences so much of your life, it’s terrifying to question. It’s difficult for me to imagine life without my faith. What would my family, my friends think of me? How long could I continue going to church and sing songs with lyrics that I didn’t believe?

So should we never question? I still have to say a resounding “no”. I think God wants a genuine faith, not a faith that only exists because of the security it provides. So question, doubt, discuss it with other people. It sucks. But you owe it to yourself, and to the big guy upstairs. Good luck.

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My faith journey

I was listening to a little old school Audio Adrenaline today (Underdog? Big House? - Classic.) and well, you know how music has that wonderful ability to bring back memories? Audio A got me a little nostalgic thinking back to around middle school. Specifically it reminded me about my faith at that time, and I started to examine how my ideas about the Christian faith have changed since then. So I thought I’d share just a few thoughts about my journey.

Life and the Christian faith was much simpler back then. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but that’s what it was. I was just stepping into an understanding of Christianity that I’d never had before as I started to grasp what having a relationship with God actually meant. I was attending a new church that talked about God in new ways and I started to be more committed about reading my Bible and attending youth group. It was a great time.

But oh how things change. I’m starting to wonder if there’s this curve with the faith journey. I thought that I would learn more and that the number of questions I had about faith would lessen as I gained more knowledge. But the opposite has happened. Questions either got more complicated or lead to more questions. Will there be a point in the future where the questions about faith will start to lessen? Maybe around 40? Will I start to figure things out eventually? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Is the Bible infallible?

Actually I’m very happy with where I’m at in faith right now, and although I have more questions than I had when I was in middle school, I feel that my faith is much more mature. I’ll give you a small example. Is the Bible infallible? Back then I would have probably said yes. Now I have to ask the question, what does the word infallible mean? I remember reading discussions about contradictions in the Bible. Many people have put a lot of effort into resolving details in the Bible that don’t seem to match up. For example, Judas’ death is described differently by Matthew in his gospel than by Luke in Acts. Can we allow for human error to come into the Bible? Is it possible that the writers are telling two stories that can’t be reconciled?

An Analogy

I submit that we can. I think we can even still say that the Bible is infallible, depending on your definition. Judas died, that much is clear. Is it reasonable to spend hours trying to reconcile two very short passages that describe the details differently? I don’t think so. It’s like two witnesses to a murder. They both identify the same murderer, but one says he wore a black shirt, and the other a blue. Is one lying? Should we discount both testimonies because they don’t agree on the details? Of course not. They identify the same murderer, and that is what’s most important.

So I’ve gone off on a little tangent. That’s just one small example of how my faith has changed. I still have tons of questions. But I love asking questions, I love exploring new viewpoints. I think a critical mind is a gift from God, and it’s the last thing we should put aside when examining our faith. How can looking at a Bible verse in a new way inhibit our faith? Depth comes from digging.

So while I’ve changed a ton since middle school, one thing hasn’t: I still think Audio Adrenaline rocks.

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A relationship with God?

(Note- this post was written in June)

A wise man told me today that learning how to be in relationship with people teaches you how to be in relationship with God. When you learn how to trust people, or have faith in people, you can better practice those with God.
When I think about relationships I think about interactions. I think conversations, greetings, goodbyes. How do I look at that person? When I speak with them, am I concerned about what is going on in their lives, or do I want to talk about myself?
As I think more about it, this whole “relationship with God” thing is very confusing. How do I ask God how he’s doing? What can I offer God? How can I help God? You see, I show care by being concerned, by offering help. I can worship God, and I am assured that he takes pleasure in it. But, would God be worse off if I hadn’t worshipped him?
I thought about starting off this blog with a controversial rant about something like science and religion, but I started reading Blue Like Jazz and Don Miller inspired me to write down these thoughts. Or questions really.

At the feet of Jesus

I’ll end with this. Earlier in the quarter I was in a night class. I was tired and stressed, and the professor sensed that much of the class was in the same state. So she started class with prayer, and she said, “Picture yourself at the feet of Jesus, and take comfort in that.” I imagined myself with Jesus, first at his feet. But then, we were sitting outside chatting over coffee. I smiled to myself. And I felt an incredible amount of peace. I got this overwhelming feeling that chatting with Jesus would be the coolest thing ever, and some day I will have that experience. Can you imagine it? I look forward to sharing a meal with a favorite professor, but Jesus? That’s just amazing, incredible…
And to an extent, I can experience that now. I’m just trying to figure out how.

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